GreatFunWorld1

Welcome to the joke page. Here, you'll find cool and funny jokes that wil crack your friends up.

Ugliness 

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

Crazy People Talk

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

Barbecue

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...

The next day the officer saw the man again.

"I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo,"said the officer.

"I did. Now I am taking him to a movie,"said the man.

 Be Quiet, Manners, and Poo

There once was three boys named Be Quiet, Manners, and Poo. One day they all were driving in a car and Poo fell out. Be Quiet went to get help while Manners hellped Poo. Be Quet saw a police officer and said "My brother fell out of a car and needs help. Cna you help us?"

 "Yeah, sure kid. What is your name?"the police officer asked.

"Be Quiet,"said Be Quiet.

"I asked for you name. What is it, kid,"demanded the police officer.

"Be Quiet,"Be Quiet said.

"What is your name, son,"yelled the police officer.

"Be Quiet," yelled Be Quiet

"Where are you manners,"said the police officer.

"Picking up Poo,"said Be Quiet

Obedience School

During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking.

One said to the other. "The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."

Pencil

Knock, knock

Who's there?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?

Nevermind, it's pointless..

Smart Salesman

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes awful!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

Classes for Men

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life estimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Math Quiz

Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"

Student: "It's 42!"

Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"

Same student: "It's 24!"

Do You Serve Lawyers?

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Two Guys in a Bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down to eat their lunches. Then the bartender says, ”Sorry, but you can’t eat your own food in here.” So the two guys look at each other and swap lunches.

Pray For Gifts

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...

I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...

"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

A Blind Man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Matches

You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out?

Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!

Nice Suit

A guy goes into a clothing store to buy a new suit, but he doesn't want to spend too much money. The tailor shows him a really nice suit for $400, but the guy says it's too much. He shows him another suit for $200, and the guy says it's still too much. After showing him several others, he finally shows him one for $10.

"That's more like it!", the guy says, and he goes to try it on. He comes back and looks in the mirror and one sleeve is about two inches shorter than the other.

"No problem," says the tailor, "Just hunch up your right shoulder."

So the guy hunches his right shoulder way up, and the sleeves look OK, but the lapels are crooked.

"No problem," says the tailor, "Just stick out your left arm and cock it like a bird's wing."

So the guy sticks out his left arm and the lapels look OK. But then he notices that one pant leg is shorter than the other.

"Well, just keep that leg stiff," says the tailor, "and no one will notice."

"I'll take it!", the guy says.

So the guy leaves the tailor shop wearing the suit, walking with his left leg stiffened, one arm stuck out like a bird's wing, and one shoulder hunched way up.

As he's walking down the street he passes two orthopedic surgeons. One of the doctors says to the other, "I have never seen anyone in such bad shape in my twenty-five years of practice!"

"Me neither," the other doctor says. "But he sure has a nice suit!"

The Essential Difference

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that “Cheech” the orang-utang was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species.

Suprised, he asked him, “Why are you reading both those books/'

”Well,” said the orang-utang, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

Bombing the Plane

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?”

The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.”

She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?”

Again he went through his tables.

“Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her

Great Loss

One of the presidential candidates was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the candidate if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, the candidate asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said the candidate, "that would be an accident."

A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," the candidate said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. The candidate searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If your campaign plane, carrying yourself and your running mate, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the candidate.

"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as heck wouldn’t be a Great Loss..."

Emergency Landing

According to “The Australian,” an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

3rd Grade

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here; I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions. 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied.

"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

Too Much Analysis

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, “Hello.”

The other one thought, “I wonder what he meant by that?”

Twelve Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “Seventy-five cents.”

Cross-Eyed Rottweiler

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

Pork Pie

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. He orders a drink and the barman asks, ”Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?”

The man replies, ”It’s a long-running family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday.”

To which the barman remarks, ”Then I have some bad news for you - it’s Wednesday.”

Sheepishly, the man says, ”Oh dear, I must look like a real fool!”

Aerial Photos

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

Mean Pit Bull

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

Arthritis Causes

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"

Want MORE funny comedy? Keep readin'...

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

Riddles

Q:Why did the pengin sleep on the lampost?
A:Because he was a light sleeper

Q:What's a ghosts favorite fruit?
A:BOOberries

Q:What did the Penguins say in the dessert?
A:Long time no sea.

Q:What cannot be seen, can be heard, and only speaks when spoken to?
A:An Echo

Q:A rooster lays an egg. There are three baskets. One on the left, one on the right, and one in the middle. Which one does it fall into?
A:It doesn't because roosters don't lay eggs.

Q:What did one snowman say to the other?
A:It smells like carrots.

Q. I have four legs but I can not walk. What am I?
A.A table

Q.Why did the ghost ride the elevator?
A.To raise hs spirit.

Q.What do you need to spot and iceberg five miles away?
A.Good eyesight.

Q.What has a mouth and a neck but no face?
A.A bottle

Q.I am a container without a key or a lid, but there is a tresure inside me. What am I?
A.An Egg

Q.Though you may see me you never notice me, because what you're looking for isbehind me. What am I?
A.A window

Q. What is the tallest building in the world?
A. The library because it has the most stories

Q. How did the egg get up a hill?
A. It scrambled.

Q. What is the healthiest kind of table?
A.A Vege-table (Vegtable)

Q.When is a car not a car?
A.When it turns into a driveway

Q.What do you call a snail on a boat?
A.A snailor

Q.What has roots and grows but isn't a plant?
A.Your hair.

Q.What are two things you can not have for breackfast?
A.Lunch and dinner.

Q.What holds water and still has holes?
A.A sponge.

Q.I get bigger when people take more out of me. What am I?
A.A hole.

Q.Why did the penguin put lipstick on her head?
A.To makup her mind.

Q.What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A.A car has only one horn.

Q.What is the difference between a tailor and a horse trainor?
A.One mends a tear and the other tends a mayor

Q.What flies a round a school at night?
A.The alpha-bat.

Q.What is a boomerand that doesn't come back?
A.A stick

Q.What kind of music can't a mummy live withought?
A.Rap

 Q. Why did the alien want to leave the party?
A. The atmosphere wasn't right.

Q. What is an astronauts favorite snack?
A. Space Chips.

Q. What's an aliens favorite candy?
A. Martian-mellows.

Q. Why did the astronaut bring paint and paper on his trip?
A. So he could do space crafts.

Q. What's an astronauts favorite drink?
A. Gravi-tea.

Q. How do you make a baby sleep on a space ship?
A. You rocket>.

Q. What do space cows say?
A. "Mooooo-n."

Q. What do you call a pan spinning through space?
A. An unidentified frying object.

Q. What do you call a wizard in space?
A. A flying saucer-er.

Q. What is an aliens favorite sport?
A. SpaceBall

Funny Kids Jokes

Q. What did the left hand say to the right hand?
A. How does it feel to always be right?

Q. What did one eye say to the other?
A. Between me and you, something smells.

Q. Why don't acrobats work in the winter?
A. They only do Summer-saults.

Q. Why did the judge send the turtle to jail?
A. Because he was known as a hard case.

Q. What do you comb a rabbit with?
A. A hare brush.

Q. Which rodent won the basketball game?
A. The porcupine because he had the most points.

Q. How do you catch a squirrel?
A. Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Q. What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A. You can't tuna fish.

Q. where do mermaids see movies?
A. At the Dive-In.

Q. How do you buy cat food?
A. Purrr can.

Q. What monkey is always exploding?
A. A ba-boom.

Q. Why can't you play games in the jungle?
A. Because there's always gonna be a cheetah.

Q. What's black and white and eats like a horse.
A. A Zebra.

Q: What bug is welcome in apartments?

A: Ten-ants.

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Q: Where do ants eat?

A: At a restaur-ant.

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Q: What is the biggest ant in the world?

A: An eleph-ant.

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Q: What's even bigger than that?

A: A gi-ant!

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Q: What does an octopus wear in the winter?

A: A coat of arms.

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Q: What bird is always out of breath?

A: A puffin.

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Q: What do porcupines say after they kiss?

A: "Ouch"!

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Q: What does a cat like to eat on a hot summer's day?

A: A mice cream cone.

Q: What bug is welcome in apartments?

A: Ten-ants.

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Q: Where do ants eat?

A: At a restaur-ant.

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Q: What is the biggest ant in the world?

A: An eleph-ant.

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Q: What's even bigger than that?

A: A gi-ant!

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Q: What does an octopus wear in the winter?

A: A coat of arms.

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Q: What bird is always out of breath?

A: A puffin.

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Q: What do porcupines say after they kiss?

A: "Ouch"!

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Q: What does a cat like to eat on a hot summer's day?

A: A mice cream cone.

Q: What bug is welcome in apartments?

A: Ten-ants.

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Q: Where do ants eat?

A: At a restaur-ant.

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Q: What is the biggest ant in the world?

A: An eleph-ant.

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Q: What's even bigger than that?

A: A gi-ant!

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Q: What does an octopus wear in the winter?

A: A coat of arms.

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Q: What bird is always out of breath?

A: A puffin.

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Q: What do porcupines say after they kiss?

A: "Ouch"!

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Q: What does a cat like to eat on a hot summer's day?

A: A mice cream cone.

Q: What jam can't be eaten on toast?

A: A traffic jam!

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Q: What are the four seasons?

A: Salt, Pepper, Ketchup, Ranch.

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Q: Why are chefs hard to like?

A: Because they beat eggs, whip cream, and mash potatoes!

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Q: Where do burgers like to dance?

A: At a Meatball!

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Q: What kind of food is crazy about money?

A: A dough-nut!

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Q: What did 'Ronald McDonald' give 'Wendy' for their engagement?

A: He gave her and Onion Ring!

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Q: Which bean do kids like best?

A: The Jellybean.

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Q:Which bean is the most intelligent?

The Human Bean.

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Q: Why did the man go into the pizza business?

A: He wanted to make some dough.

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Q: Why do Toadstools grow so close together?

A: They don't need Mushroom.

Q: What's the hottest letter in the alphabet?

A: 'B', because it makes oil...Boil!

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Q: What's the last thing you take off, before you go to bed?

A:Your feet off the floor!

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Q: What has four wheels and flies?

A: A garbage truck!

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Q: Why won't a bicycle stand up when it's not moving?

A: It's too tired.

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Q: What did the beach say as the tide came in?

A: "Long time, no sea".

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Q: Who can shave six times a day, and still have a full beard?

A: A barber.

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Q: How do you get a Pikachu on a bus?

A: You Pokemon! (poke-him-on)

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Q: What goes up, but never comes down?

A: Your age!

(Kids Jokes Sent to us from Shaelynn O.)

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Q: What has lots teeth, but cannot chew?

A: A Comb!

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Q: What is a Boxer's favorite car?

A: A Punch-Buggy.

(Thank you for the Kids Jokes, Sent to us from Tracey M.)

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Q: What Sport do Hairdressers Love the Most?

A: 'Curling'

(Sent to us from Mrs. Aspinall - Thanks!)

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Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

A: Because 789.

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Q: Why does Peter Pan always fly?

A: Because he can 'Neverland'.

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Q: What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?

A: Bored - (Board )

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Q: Why did the gardener plant his money?

A: He wanted the soil to be rich.

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Q: Why is Cinderella so bad at sports?

A: Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and she runs away from the ball.

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Q: What did one angel say to the other angel?
A: "Halo."

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Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos weren't ready?
A: "Some day my prints will come."

Q.What does the ice ghost eat?

A. An Ice-creaaaaaaam!

Q. Where do you take your dog when he is sick?

A.To the Dog-Tor!

Q.What is the difference between weather and a horse?

A.One rains down and the other reins down!

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Letuce who?
Lettuce in and we will tell you?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Tank.
Tank who?
Tank you(Thank you)

Knck Knock
Who's there?
Goat
Goat who?
Goat(Go) to the door and find out.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady Who?
I didn't know you could yodel!

(Sent to us by Marjorie L.)

-----

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Peas.
Peas who?
Peas open the door and let me in.

-----

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Police.
Police who?
Police, can I have more dessert?

-----Knock-knock.
Who's there?
C-2.
C-2 who?
C-2 it that you don't forget my name again!

-----

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita drink, I'm so thirsty!

-----

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you,...

-----

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Tock.
Tock who?
Tock to me, I'm lonely.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any treats for me?

-----

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Mickey.
Mickey who?
Mickey is stuck in the lock.

-----

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, we're cold!

-----

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Turnip.
Turnip who?
Turnip the T.V.,please.

-----

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish I had a million dollars.

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Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Catch.
Catch who?
God Bless You!

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Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Cows.
Cows who?
Cows go "Moo", not "Who"!

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Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!

-----

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Ash.
Ash who?
That's your second sneeze. Do you have a cold?!

Tounge Twisters

Red Leather, Yellow Leather.
Red Leather, Yellow Leather.
Red Leather, Yellow Leather.

Toy Boat,
Toy Boat,
Toy Boat,
Toy Boat,
Toy Boat.

The sun shines on the shop signs.
The sun shines on the shop signs.
The sun shines on the shop signs.

Truly Rural,
Truly Rural,
Truly Rural,
Truly Rural,
Truly Rural,

Black Bugs Blood,
Black Bugs Blood,
Black Bugs Blood.

Ape cakes, grape cakes.
Ape cakes, grape cakes.
Ape cakes, grape cakes.

Cheap sheep soup,
Cheap sheep soup,
Cheap sheep soup.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

A pack of pesky pixies.
A pack of pesky pixies.
A pack of pesky pixies.

Poor pure Pierre.
Poor pure Pierre.
Poor pure Pierre.
Poor pure Pierre.
Poor pure Pierre.

Purple pebbles,
Purple pebbles,
Purple pebbles.

Shark kite,
Shark kite,
Shark kite,
Shark kite,
Shark kite.

Wish Chip,
wish chip,
wish chip.

Quotes

"What should we value? I have a tip: go for love. Because love-of your work, of your colleagues, of your family and friends-passes the ultimate currency test. It will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no love.." (Renee Loth)

_____

"I wish I understood then what I do now, that I had concentrated more on the vital and less on the urgent." (Terence Rolston)

_____

"The grass isn't greener on the 'other side', the grass isn't greener on your side. It's Greener where you water it." (Source Unknown)

_____

“Parenting is the only job, that you don't know if you did a Good job, until it's too late!” (Source Unknown)

"What you cannot enforce, do not command." (Sophocles)

_____

"How do you spell Love to your children? T..I..M..E " (Source Unknown)

_____

"Old Age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Skill! (Source Unknown)

_____

"We always got along," said Gordon, (Of his marriage to Gen, of more than 52 years). "We always talked about things or discussed things,and then did it her way." (Gordon Kvammen from Lifestyles - Feb.2007)

_____

"Marriage is like a card game. They start with a pair; he shows a diamond; she shows a flush; and they end up with a full house." (365 Days of Humor)

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"The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time." (Abraham Lincoln)

_____

"The best friend of your conscience must always be self-control." (M. Schultz)

_____

"Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for." (Jerry Seinfeld)

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Family Quotes and Proverbs:

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the Poor could make a wonderful living. (Yiddish Proverb)

_____

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. (Yiddish Proverb)

_____

Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house. (Yiddish Proverb)

_____

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. (Yiddish Proverb)

_____

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. (Yiddish Proverb)

_____

One old friend is better than two new ones. (Yiddish Proverb)

_____

When a thief kisses you, count your teeth. (Yiddish Proverb)

_____

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. (Jewish Proverb)

_____

Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor. (Jewish Proverb)

_____

A wise man hears one word and understands two. (Yiddish Proverb)

_____

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." (Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat.)

_____

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." (Albert Einstein (03/14/1879-1955))

_____

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius --- and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction." (Albert Einstein)

_____

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." (Albert Einstein)

_____

When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador: "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits." (Albert Einstein)

_____

"I don't believe in mathematics." (Albert Einstein)

_____

"Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them." (Albert Einstein)

_____

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax." (Albert Einstein)

_____

"You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails." (Yiddish proverb)

_____

"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault." (Henry Kissinger)

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"I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying." (Woody Allen)

_____

"I'm not afraid of dying - I just don't want to be there when it happens!" (Woody Allen)

_____

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton.)

______

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Albert Einstein)

______

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." (Albert Einstein)

______

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." (Albert Einstein)

_____

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." (Albert Einstein)

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Family Quotes, Family Quotes, Family Quotes,

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Luke 12:25)

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"I've never been one who thought the Lord should make life easy; I've just asked Him to make me strong." ( Eva Bowring)

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"You are more important than your problems." (Jose Ferrer)

_____

"Good friend, always be open to the miracle of the second chance." (Rev. David Stier)

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"What is your heaviest burden?" asked the child. "To have nothing to carry," answered the old man." (Source Unknown)

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"Fear, too, is a type of faith - faith that it won't work out. (Sister Mary Tricky)"

_____

"Worry is a misuse of the imagination." (Dan Zadra)

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"At night I turn my problems over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway." (Carrie Westingson)

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Life's Family Quotes and Proverbs:

"They say marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightening." (Clint Eastwood)_____

"Every child deserves to have someone smile their biggest smile just because that child entered the room." (Source Unknown)

_____

"Let him who would move the world, first move himself." (Socrates)

_____

"People of integrity make an easy target for critics because they stand upright." (Bruce and Stan in Keeping God in the Small Stuff)

_____

"If you don't Stand For Something, you'll Fall For Anything." (Family Quotes - source unknown)

_____

“The squeaky wheel gets the grease.” (source unknown)

But...have you also heard,

"The nail that sticks out, gets hammered down!" (Chinese proverb)

_____

"If you're going to go through hell... I suggest you come back learning something." (Drew Barrymore)

_____

"Believing in fortune cookies leads to a crummy life." (Bruce and Stan in Keeping God in the Small Stuff)

_____

"The glory of young men is their strength, Gray Hair the splendor of the old." (Prov. 20:29 NIV)

_____

"It is easier to follow your leader if you have confidence in whom your leader is following." (Bruce and Stan in Keeping God in the Small Stuff)

_____

"Discretion: The art of being wiser than anyone else while letting no one know it." (source unknown)

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"After I'm dead, I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one." {Cato the Elder (234-149 B.C.)}

_____

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good." (Steven Wright)

_____

"Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over!" (Walter Anderson)

_____

"Forbidden Fruit is the main ingredient in many Jams!" (Source Unknown)

_____

"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere." (Source Unknown)

_____

"The best way to destroy your enemy, is to make him your friend." (Abraham Lincoln)

_____

"God must love the common man, He made so many of them." (Abraham Lincoln)

_____

"Education costs money, but then so does ignorance." (Sir Claus Moser)

_____

"Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple." (Job 5:2 NIV)

_____

"The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot." (Micheal Althsuler)

_____

"The first step to wisdom is silence; the second is listening." (Source Unknown)

______

"Good communication is as stimulating as coffee, and just as hard to sleep after." (Anne Morrow Lindbergh)

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"Into God's Temple of Eternity Drive a Nail of Gold." (Raymond Moriyama)

Family Quotes For Dads:

"...we have all had fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it." (paraphrased from NIV, Heb.12:9)

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"When it was done out of love, who of us hasn't bragged about how tough our parents were on us, compared to today's standards." (M.Schultz)

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"Two are better than one,...if one falls down, his friend can help him up." (Eccl. 4:9-10 NIV)

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"If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts." (Johnny Carson)

_____

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children,..." Eph.6:4 NIV

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"Whether it is marks in school, sports, or their future career, let's not take our "encouragement" too far." (M.Schultz )

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"It is not the oath that makes us believe the man, but the man the oath." {Aeschylus (525-456 B.C.)}

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"A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than ten years' mere study of books." (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

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"One father is worth more than a hundred schoolmasters." (George Herbert)

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Family Quotes For Women:

"Cold Hands, Warm Heart." (source unknown)

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"...we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4 NIV

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"Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with three of four cupcakes." (365 Days of Humor)

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Happiness is the best facelift. (Joni Mitchell)

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"A smile is the best make-up." (M. Schultz)

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Meet other moms in your area. Share stories, photos and more. Join CafeMom.com

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Fun Family Quotes: Fishing - Golf - Diets - Kids, etc.

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart." (Source Unknown)

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"If You Don't Know Where You Are Going, You Will Wind Up Somewhere Else." (Yogi Berra)

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"I always start my diet on the same day, Tomorrow ." (source unknown)

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"Fishing isn't always easy...otherwise it would be called 'Catching' and too many people would be doing it." (source unknown)

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"Fishermen and Hypochondriacs are a lot alike. They're happy if they catch anything!" (source unknown)

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"I'm so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James". (Chi McBride)

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"The only exercise I get is pushing my luck, stretching the truth, and jumping to conclusions, although, I have been known to carry a grudge." (365 Days of Humor)

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"I go to schools and run around the gym with the kids. The parents will say to me afterwards, 'Wow, you relate to them so well.' That's because I'm one of them." (Simon Whitfield - Gold Medalist for men's triathlon at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney, Australia. Quoted from Alive magazine April 2007 )

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I hit the ball as hard as I can. If I can find it, I hit it again." (John Daly on Late Night With Conan O'Brien)

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"Never trust a dog to watch your food."-Patrick, age 10

"When your Dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer."-Hannah, age 9

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."-Michael, age 14
(Uncle John's Bathroom Reader for Kids Only!)

_____

"It's bad luck to believe in superstitions." (Source Unknown)

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"Food gained by fraud tastes sweet to a man, but he ends up with a mouth full of gravel." (Proverbs 20:17 NIV) (gravel and a gut!...no sneaking food!)

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"Don't go out if it's raining cats and dogs. You might step in a Poodle." (Garfield, the Cat)

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"Never lick icing off a sharp knife." (Source Unknown)

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"I've got a a philosophy about exercise. I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did." (Source Unknown)

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control